Behold the Turtle
by GetOutOfMyHead
Summary: Pretty much anything I find amusing will find it's way into the story. Naked leprechauns, donkeys, Shrek, anything. I may even dedicate chapters to nice people. Chapter 1 is dedicated to ME! R&R please!
1. Dedicated to ME!

_**A/N:** It'd just a tester to see if I'm any good at parodies. I'm not to sure, butI got laughs out of Bubbad and my cousin. I hope you like it too, but what happens, happens._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, I don't own Harry Potter, and I don't own Elisha Cuthbert. God willing, one day I will. She will be mine FOREVER! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, and yours, April. I'm sharing!_

_I don't recommend downloading the song and listening to it, because it will never leave. It's been in mine for two weeks, ever since I wrote this. I hate Aqua, I hate Barbies, and I hate the song. HATE IT! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!_

-+-

**Behold the Turtle!**

**Chapter I: Call Upon the Power of Yoda**

Hermione thought she'd never have to witness this again. It was bad enough when he broke into spontaneous song and dance when he'd visited in the summer, singing _Baby Got Back_. Her parents didn't want her hanging out with him anymore. But this was too much. She made a mental note to hunt down the Aqua group and kill each and every one, slowly and painfully. Ron had run out at the first mad gleam in the idiot's eye. She should have gone with him.

"_I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world _

_Life in plastic, it's fantastic_

_You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere_

_Imagination, life is your creation."_

"Oh sweet nipples of Christ, make him stop!" Seamus yelled at her.

"You think that's possible?" she demanded as she adverted her eyes from Harry's dancing. He was belting out the tune in his prepubescent, cracking, uneven voice at the top of his lungs.

"Get down, Potter!"

"Fucking retard!"

"I'm gonna kick you ass if you don't shut up, Potter!"

"Take it off!" yelled Neville.

Of course it had to be Neville that he paid attention to. Hermione shrieked in horror as Harry's outer robes landed on her head.

"_I'm a blond bimbo girl, in a fantasy world, _

_Dress me up, make it tight, I'm your darling _

**You're my doll, rock ´n roll, feel the glamorous thing, **

**Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky. **

_You can touch, you can play, _

_You can say, 'I'm always yours.' _

_Uu-oohuh!"_

Neville squealed excitedly as he caught Harry's pants. Hermione looked up at the head table hoping to see the teachers coming to put a stop to this, but the first one she saw was Snape - Snape making spanking motions in Harry's direction. To which, of course, Harry responded.

For some Harry-is-retarded reason he'd taken off his pants first. Shaking his tighty-whitey clad ass he looked Snape strait in the eye as he sang and unbuttoned his shirt.

"_Make me walk, make me talk, _

_Do whatever you please, _

_I can act like a star, _

_I can beg on my knees. _

**Come jump in, be my friend, **

**Let us do it again, hit the town, fool around, let's go party.**

_You can touch, you can play, you can say: _

'_I'm always yours.'_

_You can touch, you can play, you can say: _

'_I'm always yours.'"_

Finally in a fit of rage Hermione grabbed the plate of bacon and lobbed it at Harry's head. It connected with a satisfying 'donk' and Harry fell off the table, out cold. The entire hall burst out in hysterical cheering coupled with standing ovation and Hermione stood and took a bow. She glanced back at the head table where Snape sat looking severely disappointed, as if Christmas had been cancelled.


	2. Dedicated to Bubba!

_**A/N:** You have no idea how excited I got when I checked my emails and Mooncheese and TheOneAndOnlySkippy had already reviewed. I did the happy dance. Twice. Scared the shit out of my siblings rodent pets. Good times. Those are very choppy sentences. _

_I updated twice today! Wow! That's WAY more than what I willingly did with Lost Unity. _

_Yet another example of the power of reviewing. Or else I just write the wrong type of stories for my personality. Who knows? Not I._

_Yet again, another chapter that has nothing to do with it's title. It's fun this way._

_Disclaimer: I also don't own McDonalds. If I did I would burn down every single one - or else tone down the grease a bit, it makes me sick._

_-+-_

**Behold the Turtle**

**Chapter Two - I played Chicken With a Train**

"Harry, what the hell are you doing?" demanded Ron. The dumb git had been sitting in the chair beside him for a good fifteen minutes, giggling madly to himself.

"Wouldn't you like to know," Harry grinned at him, winking.

"Oh Merlin, what are you planning now? Naked midnight romp with Filch?" Hermione asked sarcastically.

"Hermione, what kind of pervert do you think I am?" Harry asked indignantly. "I'm looking at morally compromising photos of McGonagall, Pomfrey, and Sprout. Who I might add is looking paaaarticularily nice with her pants off."

"What!" Hermione and Ron cried at once.

"HOT!" Neville exclaimed from behind Harry's chair.

As Hermione and Ron disbelievingly snatched the pictures from Harry's grasp he whipped around and demanded, "What the hell are you doing back there!"

Neville stared at him. "… Dusting," he said, an ominous 'zip' coming from a place thankfully not visible from Harry's point of view.

Before Harry could comment, Hermione threw the pictures at him exclaiming, "These are disgusting, Harry! Why the bloody hell do you have these?"

"Yea," said Ron, sneaking one into his pocket.

"Why not?" Harry smiled insanely.

"It's an invasion of privacy, none of your business, not to mention a little creepy!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Hit him!" Neville's voice said from behind the chair. "He likes a little abuse!"

"Wouldn't you like to know," Harry called to him. The only reply was a grunt and a giggle.

"Merlin, you're all disgusting!" Hermione yelled, standing and stalking out of the common room.

Harry pocketed the pictures and followed her, Ron tailing behind him much like a tailer. By the time she had got to their next class, the guys had caught up to her and were trying to convince her to talk to them. They took their seats around the middle of the class, whispering and pulling out their books.

"Good afternoon, class," McGonagall's brisk voice called out briskly. "Today we will be having a pop quiz on-"

"That's what you think!" Harry yelled, standing. "I know what you did last Thursday!"

"Harry, get down!" Hermione said as he tried to climb onto his desk.

"Excuse me, Mr Potter?" McGonagall snapped, crossing her arms over her chest and looking pissed.

"I saw everything!" Harry shrieked, struggling against Ron and Hermione's hands pulling at him. "I know what you do with Sprout! And Pomfrey! Don't deny it, be a man and say it proud!"

"Get out of my classroom! NOW!" McGonagall yelled, her face red, hands balled.

"Admit it! Be a man!" Harry continued as Ron and Seamus carried him out of the room. "Don't be ashamed of being a carpet muncher! HERE! PASS THE WORD!" He tossed the pile of pictures to a Ravenclaw girl and grabbed onto the doorframe, fighting against his captors. "Own it! Have pride! DON'T MAKE ME DEMANANISE YOU!"

The class heard him yelling and raging all down the hall, fighting Ron and Seamus tooth and nail. The pictures were never seen again. The Ravenclaw girl claimed she destroyed them, but as the narrator I can exclusively inform you that she keeps them between her mattresses. She likes the kinky shit.


	3. Dedicated to TheOneAndOnlySkippy!

_**A/N:** This chapter is dedicated to TheOneAndOnlySkippy because they reviewed online first. Wee! The next chapter will be dedicated to Mooncheese.  
_

_And for the record I mean no offence by anything I say or write, unless it starts with, "I don't like you, so I'll be honest." _

_If you people would like to, you can add me to your msn. I love talking to people on there and I always love talking while I write. And hey, you may even get in on some of the upcoming chapters. My addy in in my profile. : _

_Disclaimer: I've bought the rights to everyone in the Harry Potter series whose name ends in "-us." Severus, Remus, Albus, Seamus, Sirius, Mundungus, etc. All mine. Mine to bend to my will._

_-+-_

**Behold the Turtle**

**Chapter Three - It's a Celebration in a Bun!**

Harry Potter wasn't seen for several days after that. No one knew what the hell was going on, but they were glad they didn't have to endure his mad rantings about nothing. Rumour had it that he was being sent to St Mungo's for psychological evaluation. The only one sad about that was Neville. He knew that as long as Harry was insane, he had a fighting chance.

Wednesday of the next week was the first time he was seen again. It was Gryfindor/Slytherin potions class, just after lunchtime. He approached the students waiting to be let in with a very serene expression wearing Buddhist monks robes. He smiled around at the silent group. "Walk the middle way," he told them, sounding as serene as he looked. "Travel the Hershey Highway."

The class door opened and Snape's voice barked, "Hurry up, dunderheads!" His eyes widened in surprise when he saw Harry. "Mr Potter," he purred. "Your new seat is in front of my desk." He smiled and watched Harry's ass as he walked up the aisle to the desk. "Faster!" he snapped at the thoroughly creeped out class. Once everyone was seated he sneered at them and announced, "Today we will be making a hemorrhoid healing salve. You have one hour. Instructions are on the board. Begin."

The class burst into motion, gathering ingredients and setting up cauldrons. As quietly as possible they remarked about the odd choice of potion today. Snape had been giving bizarre assignments all week. He made the first-year Hufflepuffs write an essay about all the different uses of a numbing lubricant. The poor kids had been having aneurisms all over the school that night. One girl had sacked Ron Weasley when he accidentally trod on the back of her shoe. He had been in pain the rest on the day.

The class desperately ignored Snape and Harry through the class as they made goo-goo eyes at each other and flirted. "I knew he was a slimy git," Seamus remarked quietly to Ron and Hermione, "but I wouldn't have thought him a pervert too."

"What the hell is Harry playing at?" Ron demanded of Hermione. "What the hell is he doing, hitting on Snape of all people?"

"Do I look like I know what's going on?" she snapped back. "Just shut up and let me do this. Oh gods, is that Snape giggling?"

Yes. Yes it was. He moved from his desk in front of the class to the desk beside Harry and they were apparently looking at a book, flipping through the pages slowly. Giggling. Neville sulked at them from behind his cauldron. "Bastard," he muttered, adding way too many lama testes. "Moving in on MY sex kitten …"

"Harry doesn't even like you, Neville," Dean snipped. "He likes a mans man. Some one more like me."

Neville glared at him, muttering about bastards, gits and air fresheners. The class passed slowly, phrases like "Those can't be real" and "I don't know dykes could do that" and "Merlin, THAT is flexible" floating from the front. The students of both houses actually worked together in order to escape quicker. Unfortunately, it didn't work.

"Class, shut up and pay attention," Snape said just before the bell rang. "Harry dear has a product he's selling. You get to be the first people to see it … well second," he smirked, winking at Harry.

The class shuddered as one as Harry grinned back and stood, holding the book he and Snape had been looking at. "This, ladies and gents," he said proudly, having abandoned his Buddha-like tranquility, "is the crowning achievement of The-Boy-Who-Lived. See? It says right there." He pointed to the title of the thin book. _The Crowning Achievement of the Boy-Who-Lived, _it read. "It's a desktop calendar! With lesbians!"

"Fuck you," Hermione murmured, burying her face in her hands. "Why do you hate me Jesus? Did I kill a Pope in a past life?"

"Why doesn't he stop?" Ron choked beside her, banging his head lightly on the desk.

"… And this one is of Pomfrey and Sprout, and that's Mrs Norris, I don't know what they're doing in that one…"

Okay, the narrator is slightly creeped out at the moment. We'll just leave it at a dreaded

**TO BE CONTINUED!**


	4. Dedicated to Mooncheese!

_**A/N:** This chapter is dedicated to Mooncheese! Weee!_

_I decided I'd respond to the reviews thus far, and so make it appear that the chapter is longer than the others. Trying to make up for how long this took, LOL. It's cause of summer school, karate, work, I was away last weekend, you people know, all the usual authors' excuses. But I'm off this week! Yay!_

_**TheOneAndOnlySkippy** - No, they're not cursed. I'm just having a much-needed humoururination. That's a word now._

_**Mooncheese **- Why thank ye very much. This is my first one I've ever done, I'm glad I'm passing on some giggles. My friends have told me that if I don't get the job as a cameraman for gay porn I should go into stand-up. I think that would be fun, but I'm totally stage-freaked. I did do a monologue in our school's Music, Art and Drama Night, last year I think, but that was only to prove to myself I did have the balls to get up in front of people. I wasn't comfortable though, and that's a factor, right? Right. (Just agree) LOL! Oh, and the picture-taker: No, it's not Dumbledore. That's one of my happy-scarring facts best left out … although I'll prolly put it in for shits and giggles._

_**Grim Reaper's Assistant** - Thanks for the warning, but the way I see it is what they don't know can't hurt them. They're also getting rid of the slash. And if they start banning my stories it's not like I can't take my business somewhere else. (And just to keep them busy I'd make several accounts and start posting and reposting the same songfic under different names. I'll use that song Control by Puddle of Mudd. Think it'll piss 'em off any? If you don't get the full breadth of that little funny, listen to the song. LOL)_

_**Bubba **- Were you there the first time I said that? Beth almost choked on her epiglottis she laughed to hard. I didn't think it was that funny, but she said it was so … yea. It's in there, happily settled amongst the other horrendous wordplay attempts._

_Huh, okay, so it didn't put as much length as I was hoping. Oh well. Have fun, my minions! Oh, and I'm going to post the first chapter of Lost Unity again, just to see if anyone thinks much on it. Just so you know._

_**Disclaimer: **Picture it - a ginormous, mouth-watering, 100 all-beef, all-Canadian hamburger patty smothered in fresh tomato, lettuce, onion and pickles, the bun lightly toasted to perfection, dripping slightly when you pick it up and taste exploding in your mouth. That's what I own._

_The pope comment was borrowed from Jonathan Ian Mathers and his Neurotically Yours movies._

**-+-**

**Behold the Turtle!**

**Chapter IV: Yes, He Hates You Bitch**

"-And that's why you need to know about lesbians. Thank you." Harry stepped down off the desk and bowed. Neville clapped. Malfoy heaved. People ran towards the door, stepping and stomping on each others shoes. Freedom! Who'd of thought the dungeon hall could look so wonderful?

The two houses split at the head of the stairs, heading to their different classes. The Gryffindors trouped to Charms, hoping Harry wouldn't show. Of course, no such luck. Harry waltzed in (literally) just before the bell rang and sat beside Neville, batting his eyes at the horny little bastard.

"Merlin's pink plaid panties, why the hell did he have to come?" Ron moaned beside Hermione.

"Please Jesus," she was whispering, ignoring him, "lets just keep it sane for this last class. I promise I'll build four churches. I'll also put a stop to Ron's horrible naked-Merlin related exclamations…"

In the row behind them Dean sketched little moving naked figures while Seamus flipped idly through _WiKeD Witches. _He smiled at Ernie as he leaned over to look too. Ernie had obviously not been in the Potions class, and the stories hadn't filtered through the school yet. He didn't know that Harry was a panty-sniffing basket case. He didn't know that he was about to experience the class of a lifetime.

"Mr Potter, I thought I told you last class - if you don't have enough gum for everyone, you can't chew it in here," Professor Flitwick's voice cut through the tense atmosphere.

"But Professor," Harry said innocently, "I do!" He stood up and started passing out Trident Citrus Fruit gum to his classmates. Itty bitty Flitwick didn't seem to know what to say now that he'd been showed up by the resident fruit cake.

"Potter!" he squeaked. "When a teacher says that it just means 'no,' not exactly what it sounds like!"

"Well, shouldn't you just say what you mean?" Harry asked, throwing gum to the students in the back of the class.

"Well … that's not … sit down, Potter!" he squeaked, looking majorly pissed.

Harry sat grudgingly. "Well, maybe you should say what you mean next time!"

Flitwick ignored him. "As I was saying," he squeaked pointedly ignoring Harry. "Today we will be practicing healing and injury-cleaning charms. Take out your wands and repeat after me."

"He said, not realising no one in the room was paying attention."

"Excuse me, Potter?"

"He looked quizzically at a single student, a boy of about 16 with black messy hair -"

"POTTER! What are you doing!"

"The boy jumped in his seat, startled when the teacher yelled at him -"

"Are you commentating the class!"

"He seemed startled at the prospect, not noticing the quill under the desk recording the confrontation. As he listened to the commentary echoing around the room his small bearded face slowly transformed into a mask of rage -"

BOOM!

"-until he became so angry that he blew away the parchment and quill, ensuring that the Headmaster of the school would have no proof of the boy's account of assault-"

"GET OUT! NOW!"

"HE SHRIEKED WITH INCREASING INTENSITY AS HE CHARMED THE BOY TO FLY OUT THE DOOR -" thud "-and hit the wall of the hall outside the door…"

SLAM! went the door as Professor Flitwick seethed with barely suppressed anger, standing on his desk. "Oh you're in for the detention of a lifetime, Potter!" he muttered under his breath.

"I'm not free until September 31!" Harry called through the door.

"GO AWAY!"

Flitwick jumped down behind the desk out of sight as the class gawped at him. Silence ensued, broken only by the occasional mutterings coming from behind the desk. Finally Flitwick climbed back on his stack of books. "I don't know what I was saying, so just write an essay on the subject," he snapped.

Everyone looked at Hermione. "He was talking about medical charms," she sighed.

The rest of the class passed silently, with Flitwick glaring at them as if challenging then to commentate too, and Harry yelling random things through the door. Periodically they would hear something like, "So I said to the Pope, I'll see you in hell first!" or "Beam - me - up; Scottie!" or "Holy shit! A talking muffin!" When the class emptied Harry had resumed his Buddha-like tranquility and wisely advised them, "Early bird gets the worm, but second mouse gets the cheese."

He followed Hermione and Ron to the library where they had been going to finish an essay. He followed them through the aisles of books, remarking about their content and how useful or useless they were. "That one's good, it's all about wizarding traditions," he said.

"No it's not!" Ron exclaimed. "It's an anthology of the kids comic book Marvin Muggle! God you're stupid."

"Yea well this one is about lesbians, starring Sprout."

"That is Hogwarts: A History!" Hermione yelled at him, startling everyone in the library.

"Like I said, lesbians."

"Go away!"

"That one is about -"

"I swear to Merlin, if you don't shut up -"

"SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY! YOU'RE NOT BEING SILENT! GET OUT! OUT!" shrieked the crazy book lady that I've forgotten what her name is but that does it with Filch. She pushed them out of the library and slammed the door on them as they tripped and fell on their asses as one.

"Look what you've done, Harry!" Hermione yelled at him. "Why can't you be normal? Huh? For one goddamn hour, just be normal!" She turned to Ron, who cowered appropriately. "What time is it?" she demanded.

"Eleven forty twelve," Harry offered. He would never remember what happened next. He woke up in the room of requirement the next afternoon in a large silk sheet clad bed with Neville, who was smoking heavily. He ran out of there without even grabbing his clothes, much to Snape's delight as Harry passed him on the way to the Tower.

_A.N. 2.9: OK, not quite as good, I'm sorry. I'll do better next time! Promise!_


	5. Mooncheese AGAIN!

_**A.N. **Chapter vee is named and dedicated to Mooncheese (A SECOND!) because she got me more readership! Horay! Keep feeding the fire! She's my favourite like Bubba! WOO HOO! _

GLEE

_So yea. I guess I'll do a quick response to the new reviewers. And a pre-emptive apology because this chapter isn't as good as the rest. I was just so angry at those birds ... and those children ... it sort of blended and manifested itself ..._

**_Kaifeuille_**_ - HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM? Mmmm ... pie._

**_Rockabilly_**_ - I took your advise under advisement, but I don't think Mooncheese would want to pose with naked fat chicks for my calendar, even if Harry is hiding in a closet and taking pictures. LOL. Like I said tho, she rox my sox. I AM SO BLOODY HAPPY RIGHT NOW! I DON'T KNOW WHY! Oh yea, April's coming over later. SHE ROX MY SOX TOO! Wow, two sox rockers in one day ... no wonder I'm always tired. LOL_

_**Princess-Perfect - **Thanks for the rating suggestion. This new system is so fucking confusing; I didn't know what to rate any of my stories. And I didn't actually have a clue what I'd be doing with this, if anything. I'm totally writing on a whim, but it seems to be going good so far. Glad you enjoy it!_

_**Mooncheese **- Yea, my drama teacher said if you keep at it will get better, I said fuck that shit I'm not gonna keep purposely embarrassing myself so that I can have a 'skill' I'm never gonna use. LOL. She didn't appreciate that. _

_And yeah, thanks for recommending my story! That's super, I've never had someone like any of them that much!_

_ONWARDS! ENJOY - OR DON'T YOUR CHOICE!_

_-+-_

**Behold the Turtle**

**Chapter V: MoonCheese Rox My Sox!**

**Subtitle – I'm sorry Hershey! SO, SO Sorry!**

As the days passed people became accustomed to Harry Potter's insanity. He spent the next week hand cuffing himself to furniture and desks so that he 'wouldn't fall off when the big one comes,' and occasionally wandering around the school with a 'THE END IS NEAR!' board spellotaped to his front and back. At those times he would also claim a corner as his and ask passers by for spare change, once actually sleeping there rolled up in a house elfs toga.

On the day that we continued our story, we found our dear Mr Potter throwing craft glitter in peoples faces, wearing a beer hat with tequila where the cans should have been and a Stewie Griffin T-shirt that said "Burn in Hell!"

As he entered the Great Hall a collective groan sounded. He sat beside Neville like usual and they both started sending suggestive expressions and motions to Professor Snape. All the other teachers kept their eyes focused on their plates. Most students were suddenly finished their breakfast and ran for the door. Last time _he_ entered the Great Hall and started out like that, it hadn't been pretty. Let's just say no one would ever be able to eat liquid chocolate ever again. That's right, you heard me. Snape, Harry, Neville and chocolate syrup. Use your imagination. Oh wow, creepy. I got mental images. EW!

ANYWAY. On to the less horrible. It was a good day for our resident Gryffindors. Harry and Neville never showed up in any classes all morning! Wee! Stuff was actually done and learning was actually learned. All in all, every one was happy. And then they left Herbology.

Harry stood outside the door with a bottle of Lysol, a notepad and a cigarette, his beer/tequila hat lopsided on his stupid head. He was so obviously drunk it was amazing he could still stand. He wasn't sounding drunk when he spoke though. But _what _he said … well. That's another story.

"I puked in Dobby's hat."

See?

But yea. With the Lysol safely tucked under his arm he followed the Hufflepuffs (to the Gryffindors pleasure) from the class, waving the cigarette in front of them and muttering about his tricorder being out of alignment. He slapped Ernie MacMillan over the head with the notepad and told Hannah Abbot that all he'd had to do was hit it on a rock to make it work. Ernie didn't get it.

Ernie and Hannah started heading to the Owlery to neck a bit, not noticing Harry spraying the door handles that they touched with the Lysol. "Kills 99.9 percent of household bacteria," he muttered after each spray.

Once in the Owlery Ernie locked the door and pulled Hannah to him. He stroked her cheek and gently kissed her lips. Everything was going according to his plan when suddenly there was a hiss and something wet and burny hit him. They broke apart coughing and choking, eyes stinging and tearing, cursing and swearing. "Kills 99.9 percent of household bacteria," someone muttered beside them and walked away. Ernie and Hannah couldn't see at all, but they could hear him wandering through the aisles of owls, spraying them and causing them to shoot awake and screech all high pitched like.

"What the bloody hell are you doing?" Ernie yelled after the assailant.

"Killing germs," answered Harry's voice. "They're planning to take over the world you know. They're killing us off slowly. Also Hannah had gonorrhea. Thought you ought to know."

"IT'S JUST A SORE THROAT!" she shrieked throwing herself at the stairs and forgetting that she couldn't see. After the thumps and bangs had subsided, and Ernie had made his way to the wall and sat, he heard Harry sigh. "Now they're all over the stairs. Kills 99.9 percent of household bacteria. Gotta clean the stairs, ole boy."

"Hey, Potter, don't leave me here!" Ernie yelled after him. "I can't see!"

Harry came back in slowly. "Can't see?" he muttered.

"You blinded me you mad bastard!" Ernie yelled.

"He can't see …" Harry murmured. "That means he's a bacteria. They don't gots eyeses."

Ernie heard Harry coming closer. "Stay away from me you loony!" he shrieked. "You stupid – uh – birdbrain!" _Birdbrain? _He thought._ Nice. Real nice. He's going to kill you now._

"Birdbrain?" Harry demanded. "BirdBrain? I'll show you BIRDBRAIN!"

Ernie heard Harry start running at him yelling a drunken warrior cry at the top of his voice. Just as Harry would have hit Ernie there was suddenly nothing. Ernie had his hands over his head shaking in fear as he heard behind him "Tweet-fucking-tweet!" over and over again, getting more and more distant until it stopped. Slowly he reached up and felt a ledge. He'd crawled under a window. Harry had jumped out the window.

Ernie curled up in hysterical laughter, shaking and choking, laughing the entire time. He was found like that several hours later, still laughing and muttering "Birdbrain!"

He was sent to St Mungo's to be treated for shock. While there he hung himself with a rope of signed Lockart pictures that the ninny had constantly given him.


	6. Dedicated to Gerard Way's FC!

_**A.N: **Sorry for the delay folks. I've been having a hard time lately, so thanks for being patient. I'm working on the last chapter of _Memories _and also this , plus my first story I've ever attempted, _Lost Unity_, which after almost a year STILL isn't done, and I've started the sequel to it. I haven't had much inspiration lately. April and I broke up, so yeah. Not too fun. _

_Oh, I have a couple new songfics on my website. They're on here, too. AFFnet as well. Same pen name._

_By the way Gerard, thanks for mentioning that you'd changed your name. I would have been sitting here like 'Dude, why you apologizing?' _Blank stares._ And for the record, you are goddamn lucky those were email spit balls; I've KILLED for less. LOL, I'm funny._

_I LOVE THE BACKSTREET BOYS! I'M NOT ASHAMED! SAY IT LOUD, SAY IT PROUD!_

_Now that that's out of the way, Mooncheese, I'm going to borrow your sex-ed suggestion for a future chapter - once Harry is out of the body cast. You'll get due credit._

_**Keep in mind, this chapter is merely a set-up for the next couple. **_

_**WARNING**: Crappy song is contained within this chapter. As with previous chapters, do NOT download if you are prone to songs sticking in your head. _

_

* * *

**Behold the Turtle ** _

**Chapter VI: A Watched Clock Never Boils**

_(Dream chapter)_

Harry happily studied himself in the mirror. He looked good. DAMN good. He was wearing a shiny pink Elvis-style outfit, complete with pink shoes and headband. It was amazing. It really brought out his eyes, he thought.

"So where you heading out tonight, Harry?" Neville and Ron asked from Seamus' bed.

"Diagon Alley," Harry said. "I gotta get some cash."

"I hear you, bro," said Neville. "Dawgs gots ta do wut dawgs gots ta do, fo sho."

"Fer shizzle, stir fry," Harry and Ron said together. They laughed and giggled and snorted until Ron peed himself. Good times were had.

Harry met Snape in the Main Entrance. Snape would be taking him to Diagon Alley and then heading to his Death Eater meeting. Harry rather liked how Snape looked in his new DE robes. They were tie-died. He looked HOT on closer inspection.

"Hello there, sexy," Snape greeted him.

"Hullo Professor," Harry said seductively. "Are you ready?"

Snape stared glassy-eyed at him for a moment. "Oh, right. Yes. Lets go, Harry," he said distractedly.

Harry giggled happily as he took the professors arm and was escorted out of the school. They walked down the grounds, heading towards Hogsmade. Snape apparated them to Diagon Alley and stared around at all the people. "Be careful, Harry," he cautioned. "The people here are perverts and child molesters. The have no respect for someone as young and sexy as you are."

Harry smiled at him. "That's what I'm hoping for. Now you run along and play nice tonight."

"Okay." With that Snape apparated away.

_Let's rock_, Harry thought as he set himself up in front of the apothecary. Shoes, lights, coloured paper over the streetlamps. The last thing he set up was a small portable stereo. He smiled as he pressed play.

The machine wirred to life. He got into position, waiting for the right moment.

_Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,  
__So tell me what you want, what you really really want,  
__I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,  
__Tell me what you want, what you really really want …_

Harry burst into spazmatic dancing, excellently choreographed in his opinion. After all, he had made it up himself. A rather large crowd gathered round to watch his fantastic dance.

_So here's a story from A to Z, you wanna get with me you gotta listen carefully,  
__We got Em in the place who likes it in your face,  
We got G like MC who likes it on an  
Easy V doesn't come for free, she's a real lady, and as for me you'll see,  
__Slam your body down and wind it all around  
__Slam your body down and wind it all around …_

Harry performed madly for his audience for the better part of 3 hours. People cheered, cried, laughed and … some other fourth thing. By the end of the show Harry was exhausted and Snape had returned to take him back to Hogwarts.

"Harry, love, that was amazing!" Snape said coming over to him.

"And it paid great too!" Harry grinned, still breathing heavily.

"Oh Harry, You are so beautiful! There is something I have been wanting to know for a long time, but I have never girdled up the balls to ask it of you!"

"What is it Severus, my love? Ask me anything!"

Snape knelt down in front of the whole of Diagon Alley and asked, "Will you marry me?"

* * *

(Real life almost) 

"Hermione? Can we bloody go now?"

"No Ronald! Professor Dumbledore said that he's been acting so oddly because of the Dursley's hitting him with rubber chickens, remember? This could be the hit that turns him back to normal."

"I doubt it. I'm hungry."

"Ronald Weasley, I swear to Merlin I'm about to - AAAHH! "

Harry Potter Sat strait up on the infirmary bed, blankets flying off and startling the shit out of his friends.

"Harry!" Hermione squealed. "Harry! How are you feeling?"

Harry turned towards his friends' eager faces, looking slightly stunned. "Hermione?"

"Yes Harry?" she said, ready to jump and get what ever he needed.

"Ron?"

"I'm here, mate," said Ron, trying not to think about his rumbling stomach.

"I'm pregnant."


End file.
